Thursday, May 28, 2009

Confession

I love my blog. I love reading other blogs. It's great to see that others are going through some of the same things you are, and you're reminded that some are going through things you could never imagine. I love to write about the fun things we do as a family, silly things Bailey is doing/saying and maybe even the occasional new recipe (although not recently!). However, I rarely open up and share the hard things. Maybe it's shyness (not likely) or maybe it's me trying to "present" myself a certain way to the blogging world (more likely). Whatever the reason, for some reason I've felt the need today to have a sort of confession post.

As a mother, I doubt myself constantly. Is she watching too much TV? Is she getting enough vegetables? Should I read to her more? Am I disciplining her correctly? Doubts I've gotten used to, but...

Then there are nights, like last night, when your child is behaving much worse than you know she could/should and you just want to scream...and maybe you even do!

Bailey has horrible allergies and we're just recovering from the last big attack she had. Right now she has a horrible flemmy (I think I just made that word up!) cough and I know she isn't feeling 100%, but she absolutely wore me out last night. Of course Nick was gone for soccer stuff and it was just the two of us last night. She was fine until it was time for me to start making dinner. She kept crying at my leg "Mommy do", and I would try to ask her what she wanted me to do, but she just kept crying.

I gave her juice, she threw it down. I gave her a bowl and measuring spoons to "bake" with, that pacified her for a whole three minutes until the tears started again. Then she got in trouble for being too close to the stove, which caused another melt down. I went ahead and put her in her high chair and gave her some tortilla shell to snack on until everything else was ready. The crying continued. Finally I screamed. I, the "adult" in this situation, screamed at a 19 month baby for crying too much. I just wanted to sit down in the floor and cry too. We managed to finish dinner and get through the rest of the evening with only a few more tears shed.

When I went to bed last night, I cried. I had screamed at my baby for no real reason. She can't help it that she doesn't feel good and that she can't tell me exactly how she feels and what she wants. I prayed for God to give me the patience that I know I lack and to help me handle these types of situations better in the future. I know she'll never remember last night and me yelling at her, but I don't know that I'll ever forget it. And ok, in the grand scheme of things it could have gone worse, but still I feel so horrible! Chalk last night up on the mommy not-to-do list.

3 comments:

Colin's Mom said...

Oh honey, we've all been there and we all react in different ways (none of which are pretty). This whole road is a learning experience and none of us are perfect. Bailey wasn't harmed - it probably hurt you a lot more than it did her. There will be plenty more times you'll get frustrated with her but hopefully our patience will continue to grow (I'm still waiting!). Colin is always at my feet when I'm cooking and somehow - maybe I have developed some patience - I manage to ignore him until I finish cooking. Good luck and don't beat yourself up. You did what any other parent has done many times before.

Mama Smors said...

We have all been there!! I pray a prayer of patience every morning. Parenting is becoming a more trying job as they get into this new stage... but at the same time on a good day it can be so much fun. After over-reacting and feeling like you did one to many times I have started putting Ivy in her room, door closed so that I can take a little breather and re-gain my mommy strength. Bailey loves you and you are a great time!! Parenting is living and learning :) We are all in this together!

Brooke said...

Like Sarah said... we've all been there! You're a great mommy, but only human! Being a mother requires more patience than I think we were given.... keep it up :)