Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where Was I?

Today I am going to use this space as a personal diary. May not be the most interesting post you've ever read, but I just need a place to open up; and since I'm sitting in an empty office, this seems like a great place to do it. And since I've bored my husband and friends with this issue several times over, I'll spare them the agony this time.

Today I was on the campus of Georgetown College. Of course being there brought back memories of my time there. I was not a typical college student.  I hated living on campus and never got into any of the "normal" college activities. I tried the whole sorority thing, met several great girls, but it wasn't my cup of tea. Most of the time I was working at least 20-30 hours a week while taking a full time class schedule. Did I do this because I had to? Not really. Yes, I did have bills to pay since I had decided to move off campus and have my own apartment, but I could have chosen to (eek) stay on campus or even have moved home. But I was just bursting at the seams to prove my independence. I wanted my own life. More specifically, I wanted to be married and have a family. I'm not sure what it was about those years, but I wanted more than anything to be married, and I just knew that Nick and I were ready for that (so not true!). I think it was this constant desire that led me to resent school. I hated going to class, and because of that tended to skip...a lot. I thought my time was better spent working so I could earn money. I went from being a very good student in high school to being a lousy student in college. In fact, I ended up not finishing.

I'm not ashamed that I didn't finish, and honestly, have no desire to go back. That could change in the future, but only time will tell. What I regret, however, is that I never let myself just sit back and enjoy those years. Those should have been years of fun and exciting new things. Years with little worry. But instead, like always, I was too busy planning my future to enjoy the there and then.

I've always done this. My mom said even when I was little, we would be leaving Wal-Mart and I would say "next time, I want to get this". Geesh, even as a little kid I couldn't enjoy what was right there in front of me, I was too worried about what would happen next time!!

And it's not just material things that I ponder and dream about. I joke that I have career ADD. I love real estate, I really do...but I can't help thinking about other ventures all the time. I just get the feeling that one career can never really satisfy me. The thought of having one career for the rest of my life is more than scary. Is that a commitment issue? I don't know.

Apparently, or so my psychology teacher husband has informed me, that somewhere in your early 20's there's this little light bulb moment; where you realize who you are and what you want to do with your life. Well, where the hell was I when others were having this moment? Was I too busy thinking about my future to pay the electric bill that my light never went off? Was I rushing around so fast wishing my life away that I missed it? Whatever it was, it sure never happened for me.

Ok, I've whined enough. I guess I'll just keep traveling through this life waiting for my "light bulb" moment while trying not to get stuck in the future and trying to remember to enjoy every day.


Anonymous said...

Wow, Nicole... I thought I was the only one! I frequently find myself wishing away moments that are right there in front of me, because I think something better must be on the other side. I'm not sure how to fix it (and I certainly don't have any advice to give you on how to stop), but just know that you are not alone in dealing with this issue daily!
-Julia (Darnell)--I don't have a blog, but I read yours often:)

Colin's Mom said...

There are plenty of people who did have the "ah ha" moment who still wonder what it would be like if they did something else. People change careers all the time for this very reason. I think what's more important to note though is if you're happy in your day-to-day life. Are you happy to get up and go to work? You don't have to worry about tomorrow and whether you'll love your job in 20 years - chances are none of us will. Looking to the future isn't wrong, it just makes you a planner. The people who aren't planners wish they had more of your traits. I'm a planner too and feel my life is much more organized because of it. Embrace it and live for today!